We promise you, our fellow Americans, that if you pursue happiness by ordering cookies from us, we’ll take you to a new momentary Golden Age spawned by the wholesome desire for one thing:

[Silence, for impact...]

Cookies-

[Raucous applause]

made-

[applause continues... silence falls for more impact]

RIGHT HERE, IN THE U… S… A!

[Cheers, tears, applause, Blue Angels, presidential wave-while-eating-a-cassie-cookie, man-in-jammies-watching-from-home leaps from his couch to give standing ovation and spills coffee on his laptop]